Just wait until she's a teenager!

Into each of our lives comes pivotal moments, experiences that change or reinforce the direction we are traveling.  Some are monumental but others are small, seemingly inconsequential experiences that, only in hindsight, can we see their importance.

One of those moments came for me many years ago during a casual conversation between me and an older lady I knew.  I was holding my sweet little newborn daughter in my arms and this lady came up to me and commented on how beautiful she was and then she said it..."Just wait until she's a teenager!  All teenagers are rebellious and troublemakers!"  I couldn't believe my ears!  She was serious!  It almost sounded like a curse in a fairy tale..."Before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday, she will turn into a monster!"  Just like any good queen in the fairy tale, I held my daughter closer and vowed that I would break the horrible curse.  Really though, her words sunk deep in me and I can still remember them and the way they made me feel.  The poor lady who uttered those words, probably had no idea what an impact they would have on me or on my family.

What this lady did was strengthen my resolve to take my role of motherhood seriously.  I knew that the way I treated my children while they were young would impact the people they grew up to be.  I knew I could not be lazy and just assume my kids would turn out ok regardless of what I did.  I was the one who had to teach them values and principles and teach them about choices and consequences.  Other people would have influence over them but during their impressionable first years, it was up to me to set the foundation for their future growth.  As with anything of importance, preventative care is far more desirable than emergency repair!

Mothers, you are important!  Never forget it!

Emergency preparedness

We live in uncertain times, with natural disasters, unemployment, unexpected illness and a whole list of other unpredictable crises. Since becoming a mom, I can remember two major earthquakes (and several minor ones), one hurricane, two floods, two snowstorms which left us without power for a week at a time, and several other power outages.  My husband went through a period of unemployment and a major heart attack.  At times such as these, having emergency supplies of food, money and other necessities, can give welcome peace of mind.  It is recommended that everyone have at least a three days supply of food, water and other necessities, preferably much more.

You don't have to spend a lot of money acquiring an emergency supply of food.  Start small and watch for good prices on canned goods, staples and other food your family eats that has a long shelf life.  If you usually buy 4 cans of fruit, buy an extra 4 for storage.  Do this every time you shop...as your budget and space allows.  The goal is to have at least one month of food.  When you reach that goal, try for three months.  Also, don't forget non-food items like toilet paper, sanitary supplies, diapers, hygiene supplies and other things unique to your family.

 Do you have a way to prepare your food if you have no power?  How will you heat your home?  These are considerations to discuss with your family, especially if you have small children.  Do you have a way of reaching family members if an emergency occurs and some are at school or work?  Do you have an out-of-the-area contact person for everyone to touch base with in the event someone gets separated?  Do you have a working smoke detector?  Do you have an escape plan and does everyone know what it is?   These and many other questions should be addressed and understood by every member of the family. 

Hopefully, you will never need to use your emergency supplies but you don't want to find yourself in the middle of a crisis and not have the things your family needs to live.   The time to start gathering these things and educating your family is now.  Someday, you might be very glad you did!

Time Out

Probably the most widely used form of discipline for toddlers and preschoolers is "time out".  The idea behind it is simple...your child sits in a corner or in his room or wherever, until he is in control and ready to behave.  In practice, it isn't quite so straightforward.  Some children are so sensitive, just the idea of going to time out can make them break down into tears.  Some think it's a big joke.  Some kick and scream the whole time.  But the idea behind having a place for your child to get in control is still the best option you have.  Spanking is not acceptable.  Trying to reason with him is futile.  Ignoring bad behavior can make it worse.   So, how do you make it work?

As I have said before and will probably say again, consistency is the most important thing you can do to make time out work for you.  One warning is enough.  If you tell your child you are going to put her in time out if she continues ---, and she continues, put her in time out.  No more reminders.  No threats.  Just do it.   Calmly escort her (or carry her) to the designated place and tell her she's there because she did ---.  If she jumps off the chair and runs away, calmly bring her back and tell her the same thing.  If she kicks and screams, calmly wait until she's finished.

You'll need to set a specific time for her to stay there, probably five minutes or so.  Five minutes can seem like a long time for a four year old.  I usually set the timer after he or she has finally decided that Mom means business and sits without tantrums or runs off.  Then after the time is up, it's important to give her a hug and let her know that you have confidence that she won't do --- again.  If she does it again, the process begins over.  Sure, it takes time but time spent now will be time you don't have to deal with out of control behavior later.

Childhood, especially early childhood is a time of testing for your child.  She is learning her limits and learning about cause and effect.  It doesn't have to become a power struggle if you are matter-of-fact about the whole thing and remember to be consistent in the things you say and do.

Comfort

Did you ever have a special stuffed animal or blanket that you loved while you were growing up?  Do you still have it?  I can answer yes to both of those questions!  My special love blanket (my blankie) is folded in a cedar chest but it still brings warm fuzzy feelings when I see it.

His favorite pink poodle 

I think all children benefit by having something special to hold onto when they go to bed, or when they are stressed or in unfamiliar places or situations.  There is something magical about the feel and smell (although I hope it gets washed occasionally!) of a loved blanket or doll or stuffed animal or whatever brings your baby or child comfort.  It's like having an old friend to snuggle up with.  Usually babies show a preference for a certain blanket or animal at an early age.  Use that to your advantage.  Bring it with you when you take baby out in the car.  Tuck that special blanket around her when you put her down for her nap.  When you have to leave her with a babysitter, she will have something to reassure her that she's not alone.

One of my daughters had a stuffed brown pig that she loved and carried around everywhere.  She got into the habit of picking the fur off the poor thing until it was totally bald (that took a few years).  Such an ugly creature by that time but still well loved!  I recently found it packed away in a trunk and gave it to her.  She is now a grown married woman but acted like a little girl again, finding a long lost friend.  :)

The dreaded in-laws!

Ah yes, the dreaded in-laws!  Actually, I hope you have a wonderful relationship with all of your husband's family.  If not, you are not alone.

I did not get off to a good start with my in-laws.  I was quiet and shy.  They were loud and outgoing. I was intimidated.  The more intimidated I felt, the more I withdrew.  The more I withdrew, the less they got to know me and I them.  This led to misconceptions on both our parts.  As I think about it, if I had to do it over again, I'd do things different.  I'd keep foremost in my mind that they are good people who raised my husband and helped make him the man I fell in love with.  They were only concerned for his welfare, just as my mother was concerned for mine.  Just because they did things different, doesn't mean they did things wrong.  They were going through their own challenges and struggles and doing the best they could.

Maybe you can learn from my mistakes.  Accept that they are different.  Look for good things they did that you can implement in your own family.  Don't withdraw!  If you are intimidated, share that with your husband and enlist his help and ask for suggestions but try not to criticize.  You don't want to put him in the middle of a conflict between you and them.  Find some common ground, some interest or hobby that is shared.  The biggest thing in common that you have with them is your husband/their son.  That is enough reason to try to make things work.  Good luck!

Your childhood family

As you work to build a family with your husband and children, don't forget another set of relationships that need to be strengthened...the families you and your husband came from.  Today I'll talk about your family and tomorrow I'll cover his.

Your parents and siblings can provide a wealth of strength and support as you embark upon new and unfamiliar territory.  Your parents have the advantage of experience and the wisdom of hindsight that can prove helpful and your siblings probably grew up in similar circumstances and understand you better than most people.   It's time to put aside the childhood differences you had with your brothers and sisters and learn to get along with them as friends and peers, because that's what they are (or should be).  Relationships change over the years and you are not children any more.  You need each other.  It's easy to neglect this relationship because you no longer live in the same house so you will have to actively work on maintaining and strengthening these ties with them.  Of all the relationships you develop, the one with the family you grew up in will always be part of your life.  So, forgive each other if necessary for past wrongs and build a new relationship based on your shared experiences and common goals and interests.  Your children will benefit by having loving aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents in their lives.  And your life will be richer for the bond you develop with your brothers, sisters and parents.

She won't clean her room!!!

Your six year old daughter won't clean her room.  She whines and yells that it's too hard! You know she's old enough and capable of doing the job.  You are getting frustrated.  Is this a familiar scenario?  Let's talk about it...

Have you ever looked at a project and thought it was too hard and you didn't know where to start?  What if you had instructions?  What if you had a checklist to walk you through the process?  What if someone showed you how to do it?  Would that make the project less daunting?  Do you see where I'm going with this?  Our children are no different.

Too often we assume our children know how to do something when we haven't really taken the time to teach them just how to do it or what constitutes a finished job.  This applies to most jobs we expect our kids to do...whether it's cleaning their room, doing laundry, vacuuming, washing dishes and so forth. Kids don't automatically know how to do things...just like us!

Going back to your little girl...as Mom, you have several options.  You can help her break the job down into smaller parts.  Maybe you can tell her to put the dirty clothes in the hamper first.  When she's done with that, she can pick up her toys. Next have her fold her clean clothes and put them away.   Then she can straighten her shelves and make her bed.  You could make a little checklist for her and have her check off the steps when she's completed.  You can teach her at a time when neither of you are stressed out or in a hurry.  You'll probably have to work with her for a while until she gets the hang of it.  But she'll learn.

Last but not least, remember that you can't expect what you don't inspect!  So, check her job and give her lots of compliments and praise for a job well done.

An hour later...I forgot something about cleaning rooms!  A room that is too full of clothes and toys is hard for anyone to clean!  Help your child out by streamlining her belongings and making sure there is a place for everything!