Child-centric or adult-centric?

Should a family be child-centric or adult-centric?  That's not as easy a question as it might appear.  Children play a very large role in the decisions parents make and consume most of the time of the mother, especially in the early years...ok, whatever age they are!  :)  And yet, if the spouse is ignored, the marriage suffers.  Achieving a balance is as hard as walking a tightrope over a deep canyon during a windstorm!

I would like to suggest that you work on being family-centric...with the needs of the family, individually and collectively, being forefront in all plans and decisions.  Life is not a smooth, even journey from one point to another.  There are detours, highs and lows, challenges and unexpected events that shape what we do each day.

Having a tea party with his daughter  :)

Children's needs are ever-present and cannot be put off.  But, that isn't a bad thing.  Children also bring inconceivable joy and an opportunity to be a little child-like yourself!  Who doesn't like to swing on a swing, run through a puddle, throw snowballs or watch a Disney matinee from time to time?  Children don't have to be a burden or inconvenience!  In fact if they seem to be, then maybe your focus is too adult-centered and quite honestly, selfish.

Tired parents can still find time to connect as a couple and enjoy each other...without the kids.  And, those are the times NOT to focus on the children!  No griping or complaining allowed!  Try to concentrate on your relationship in those few precious hours you have together.

Being a successful family takes work.  But with work comes happy, well-adjusted children and a strong marriage.  So, when you're walking that swaying tightrope, hang on, keep your eye on the final destination....and DON'T LOOK DOWN!

What did you want to be when you grew up?

When I was in junior high school, we had an assignment to write about how we imagined our lives would be as adults.  That was easy!  I already had it all figured out.  :) I was never going to marry or have children.  I was going to be a librarian and have a cat or two.  My life would be bliss.  :)

Fast forward a few years.  In high school I was sure I was going to be a home economics teacher.  Still wasn't sure about the marriage stuff but it didn't seem quite so abhorrent by that time.  Kids?  Maybe one or two.

Fast forward a few more years (ok, a LOT of years!) and I'm a happy stay-at-home mother of eight wonderful children.  I can't imagine life without them.  Who would have thought?!

Our kids are a blessing!

Sometimes the life we were meant to have is far better than the life we thought we wanted.  Having children was the one of the best things that ever happened to me.  Because of them, I had to learn things like patience, tolerance, self-control, and selflessness.  I learned what unconditional love is all about.  I would do anything for them.

Sure, there are frustrations and challenges but I wouldn't change the life I chose.   What a blessing children are.

Small and simple things

When you get overwhelmed with all you have to do and how great your responsibility as a mother is, remember this quote.  You don't have to perform great miracles.  You don't have to be Supermom.  You only have to consistently do the little things that some day will add up to become big things.  Love your kids.  Teach them basic principles of honesty, obedience and virtue.  Work beside them.  Discipline when necessary.  Set a good example for them.  Be patient.  Simple doesn't necessarily mean easy but remember that your efforts will pay off with children who love you back and appreciate you for never giving up on them.  Give it time.

Note - This quote is actually a paraphrase of a verse from the Book of Mormon which reads, "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." (Alma 36:6)

The lay off

At the beginning of May, my husband was laid off his job.  Although I knew his time of unemployment would be temporary, all of a sudden the future became one big unknown.  I hate that feeling!  My anxiety went into overdrive!

The first thing we did was put ourselves on a spending freeze.  No unnecessary spending.  We carefully went over our budget and reviewed each item to decide if we really wanted to spend our drastically reduced income on it.  Out went the gym membership (we rarely used it anyway!).  A phone call to our insurance agent lowered our monthly premium.  Turns out, we'd been overpaying for a couple of years due to children no longer on our policy.  A call to our internet provider got us a lower monthly price also.  And so it went.  Nothing was sacred.  Well, except for tithing...and one tenth of nothing isn't very much anyway!

We cut out eating at restaurants.  We stopped recreational shopping.  We were more careful with the groceries we bought...careful not to waste!  We worked on home projects that had been started and not finished.  We spent more time working in the garden and yard.  Our "movie nights" were in our living room, courtesy of Netflix and Redbox.  In short, we simplified our life.

Simple pleasures are the best!

A funny thing has happened since that day in May.  Even though my husband got a new (and better!) job in mid June, I still have no desire to spend money.  That spending freeze was just the thing I needed to put my spending in perspective.  Sometimes we need a crisis to wake us up and help us remember our priorities and goals.  Money is a wonderful resource and everyone needs it to live but often we get careless and use that resource unwisely.  I do not take it for granted any more.

Difficult Decisions

Recently one of my daughters was presented with an amazing job opportunity that would require her to relocate several hundred miles away.  She and her husband carefully considered the options, prayed about it and both came to the conclusion that the job offer should be accepted.  They both felt good about the decision and all was well until the time of the move.  Then the doubts started creeping in.  It's so far away.  Did we make the right decision?  Am I going to like the job?  What if I DON'T like the job?  What have we done?!

Good bye beautiful Pacific Northwest!  It's going to be ok!

During a tearful phone call, I reminded her that both she and her husband felt that they were making the right decision and said that even though a decision is right doesn't mean that there won't be obstacles to face, difficulties to overcome and challenges to conquer.  So it is with all aspects of our life.

Sometimes we think that doing the right thing is going to be easy.  Not so.  Often the right way is the hard way.  Unfortunately, when things get hard, the temptation is to get discouraged, anxious or give up.  If only we exercised a little more faith, we'd see the rewards of our effort.  Most difficult choices (whatever they might be) result in personal growth and eventually, an affirmation that we chose well.  It just might take a little time to see past the initial fear of the unknown.

 When times get hard, don't lose sight of the reason you made your decision.  Don't let your emotions get in the way of an opportunity to gain new experiences and develop greater strength of character.  A decision carefully (and prayerfully) made will turn out ok.  Don't give up!

Perfection?

Do you know how hard it is to get a "perfect" family picture?  Impossible!

Repeat after me..."There are no perfect families!"   Doesn't that feel better?   Really though, no family is perfect, just as there are no perfect parents and no perfect children.  We might aim to be perfect in certain areas and might come pretty close but, because we are imperfect people, the most we can do is our best.

It's so easy to compare ourselves and our children with our friends, neighbors and even families on the television.  (Now, THERE'S an unrealistic comparison!).  What we are doing is comparing their best with our worst.  We see well-behaved children at a restaurant or some other public place and wonder why our children are so out-of-control, not knowing that family at all.  We see families who seem to have it all and feel a twinge of jealousy as we compare our circumstances with theirs.

This does us no good at all!  If we're going to compare ourselves with anyone, let it be with ourselves!  We can only change ourselves.  Let's make goals and work on being BETTER parents, better than we have been in the past.  Target problem areas and work on those.  Then we can legitimately compare our "old" self with our new, improved self!  Improvement is the key word.

Comparing ourselves with others only causes discouragement and envy. But...recognizing the need to improve and grow in our own lives and working with our children to learn appropriate skills and behavior is a positive response to the dissatisfaction we feel in our families.  We won't be perfect but we'll be making steps in the right direction!

Stay-at-home moms in the news!

Pure joy!

Yesterday the Wall Street Journal ran an article that made headlines..."More Moms Staying Home, Reversing Decadeslong Decline."  How far our world has come from the time when staying at home with children was the norm, not worthy of a headline in a major newspaper.  According to the article, in 1967, nearly 50% of moms with children under the age of 18 were stay-at-home moms.  Every year since then saw a steady decline until it hit a low in 1999 where only 23% of moms took care of their kids full time.  And now the trend is inching upward again...to a whopping 29% in 2012. 

Why do moms stay home with their children?  Although the article stated that economic factors were the reason for some mothers (loss of job, unable to find employment etc.), the majority of mothers interviewed (85%) said it was a choice they made.  They WANTED to be home and raise their children! 

Personally, I'm glad to hear that most mothers feel that the importance of raising their own children far outweighs the supposed benefits of career and/or financial gain.  You can't put a dollar figure on the contribution you make in the lives of your precious children.  They need you far more than they need "stuff".  They need your time.  They need the stability and security of their home.  They need to know that you are there when they need you. 

There are some mothers who don't have the choice whether to stay home or work outside the home.  Even then, the attitude they convey to their children lets them know where Mommy would rather be if she had the chance. When your first priorities are to your family, you will find that the rewards are worth the time and effort invested in them.

The time you have at home with your children is relatively short.  It might not seem like it, but they do grow up and leave the home and your job raising them will go from full-time to part-time status. At that point, it's a little too late to wish you'd spent more time with them when they were younger. 

Enjoy this time in your life.  Make the most of it!  Be thankful for the blessing of being able to be home with your children.  There is no one else who can provide the love and nurturing that you can.

Generation gap?

Ever learning from each other, regardless of age!

Every generation thinks they're unique.  Their problems have never been experienced by previous generations.  They must forge ahead into unknown territory all by themselves.  No one from another generation could possibly understand their trials.

Let's take apart this myth.
First, whatever generation you were born into, is the place in time that you are going to relate to, whatever your age.  Although THE world doesn't revolve around you, YOUR world revolves around you and your current challenges. That doesn't mean that someone a few years older than you didn't experience similar difficulties (and ultimately, get through them!).

Certain stages of life produce fairly predictable trials, difficulties and growth.  These universal stages apply to everyone.  Example - Puberty, establishing family and career, parenthood, old age.  Not many people can get through life without muddling through these (and other) experiences. 

Although external factors might change and produce their own challenges, basic parenting principles  remain constant.  Even during times of war or disaster, mothers still protect their children and try to keep their lives as "normal" as possible.  The basics of life still need to be met.  

When you dismiss the input of your aging parents, grandparents or older moms as "out of touch" or not relevant to today's challenges, you are missing out on a wealth of knowledge and wisdom.  Your parents and other older adults have experienced trials and have lived to tell about it.  They have something you don't have - hindsight.  They have already raised teenagers.  They know what sleepless nights are like.  They dealt with behavior problems, health problems and relationship problems.  You can learn from their successes and mistakes.

Each generation doesn't have to start over from scratch.  Implementing time-tested methods of child raising and making friends with a few slightly older mothers, will help tremendously in raising your children in today's world.  And as moms, we can use all the help we can get!

What a beautiful day!

There's nothing like waking up on an early March morning to the sound of birds chirping and the sun streaming in the window.  How could anybody be grumpy on a day like this?

Realistically, I know we'll still have plenty of storms and maybe even some snow before Winter is over but the occasional beautiful sunny day is a reminder that Spring is just around the corner.  With Spring comes new growth, new life and longer days.  Can't wait!

The daffodils and irises will be blooming soon!

Lilacs are budding and the grass is growing!

The strawberries are peeking through the old growth!

Thought I'd throw this picture in for fun.  If you don't know what this is, it's rhubarb poking through the soil.  I don't like rhubarb but the plant is pretty fascinating.  :)

The first dandelion of the season.  What would our world be without dandelions to fight every year?!

Change takes time

Most of us take a while to adapt to change (even change that is good for us!) and kids are no different.  Although we'd like them to change instantaneously, it takes time.  The key is baby steps.  A step in the right direction is a step towards mastery of a task or behavior.

I was thinking of this while I was preparing dinner tonight.  Even a year ago, I never would have believed that we'd be eating mostly vegan now.  We became much more health conscious several years ago, slowly replacing unhealthy food with better choices.  Some "old" recipes I made with less frequency while others had "makeovers" to reflect our new dietary goals.  New recipes became family favorites.  As long as I didn't make drastic changes, I didn't get too many complaints  :)  I also learned that no one likes surprises.  The "sneaky chef" approach was guaranteed to bring mutiny to the dinner table.  Saying after dinner, "Guess what was in that meatloaf?" isn't a nice thing to do.  Even husbands won't trust you after hearing about all the healthy additives, cleverly disguised under lots of spices and BBQ sauce, that he'd just consumed.  So, be honest and upfront if you are trying something new on your unsuspecting family.  Tastes will change...eventually.

By making small changes over a period of time, big changes can occur.  It doesn't matter if we're talking about changes in diet or changes in habits or changes in attitude, give your family (or child or husband or yourself) time to adjust and learn new patterns of behavior.  Baby steps!

Simple pleasures of Winter

February is one of those dreary months where the novelty of snow and cold weather has worn off and Spring seems so far away.  There is still a chance of more cold, more rain and snow, more storms, more hassle of scraping snow and ice off cars, more wet boots and coats dumped on the floor...and so on.

The cat stole my sunny spot!

BUT...there are some uniquely positive things about Winter.  Instead of focusing on all the annoyances, can you think of something to enjoy about it?  I was thinking about this as I sat on the floor, folding laundry in the "sunny spot" of the family room.  It's been raining for several days straight but today the sun came out and its rays streamed through the sliding glass door, casting a warm, bright glow on the floor.  I couldn't resist it.  :)  Here are some other simple pleasures...

Getting dressed in front of a fireplace or heater.  Ahhhh, feels so good!
Drinking hot chocolate, topped with marshmallows and warming your hands with the mug.
Curling up with a big blanket and reading a book.
Being the first one to walk outside after a snowstorm and yours are the first footprints on the ground.
Listening to the wind and rain at night.

And, best of all...watching for those first signs of Spring, reminding us that, while it doesn't seem like it, Spring will come.

What are YOUR favorites?

Lessons from Super Bowl XLVIII

I'm not usually a football fan but with all the hype leading up to the Super Bowl, I couldn't help getting sucked into the excitement.  By excitement, I mean settling down on the couch, laptop in lap, checking out the latest on Pinterest and FB, tuning in and out while the game was being played.  :)  Oh, and in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a Seahawks fan, from the great state of Washington.

What really impressed me were the comments made by the players afterwards.  If kids who played sports could develop some of these attitudes, their games would be a lot more fun, they'd make more friends and they'd develop a few useful character traits as well.

Focus and determination -
"You only want to surround yourself with people that want to see you succeed.  The ones that don't, and want to pull you down to their level, walk away from them."  Derrick Coleman, deaf fullback.
"I think it was a total effort.  It took a lot of discipline and hard work."  Richard Sherman, cornerback.

Humility -
"It's very humbling.  Everybody doesn't get a chance to do this."  KJ Wright, linebacker
"I just want to be a normal guy on the team."  Percy Harvin, wide receiver
"One day I want to be like him in terms of the way he thinks.  He's just a master of the game.  I'm working to get there; I'm on a constant quest for knowledge."  Russell Wilson, quarterback, on Peyton Manning

Teamwork -
"It shows that hard work pays off.  It's a testament to hard work and pushing one another, holding each other accountable.  We always got each others back."  Kam Chancellor, strong safety
"Unity.  They are constantly high-fiving each other, picking each other up off a pile."  Peyton Manning on Seahawk defense

Gratitude -
"It's a true, true blessing.  God is so good.  We believed we would get here."  Russell Wilson, quarterback
Percy Harvin, wide receiver, on one person who has helped him to this level..."I would definitely say, without a question, my mom.   She has played a big part in just helping me out this season and staying focused and controlling the things that I can control.  It would be no question, my mom."

Attitude -
"It doesn't matter what you look like.  It doesn't matter if you're black, white, Latino, Asian.  It doesn't matter if you're 5 feet 11.  It doesn't matter how many people tell you no.  It's the heart that you have.  That's what I try to prove every day."  Russell Wilson, quarterback

Sure, football (and all sports) is about wanting to win.  More important though, it's also about having a good attitude, recognizing the contribution of the entire team, working together, not getting too cocky and being gracious to the other team.

Yay Seahawks!  :)

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

It's resolution time.  That's right...this year is THE year when all the wonderful things you should be doing but haven't been doing get done.  Oh, if only it were that simple.  Think of it, everyone would be thinner, healthier, kinder, smarter and richer.

I said this in an earlier post but it's worth repeating.  "A goal without a plan is just a wish."  If you keep that in mind when making those resolutions, it might help you be more realistic and therefore more successful.

Make a list.  Then break each goal (or resolution) into manageable and measurable smaller goals.  Write them down.  Post them in a prominent place.  Tell someone you trust about your goals.  Ask them to check up on your progress.  Accountability is a great motivator.

Resolutions are all about change and change isn't always easy.  I think I'd rather focus on one or two goals and meet them than make a huge wish list of goals that I promptly forget about.  What are the two biggest changes you'd like to make in your life?  Start there.  Remember too that these are YOUR changes (or goals).  You can only change yourself...not your children nor your husband.  Too bad but true.  BUT, by making positive changes to yourself, you'll be changing the dynamic of your relationships with those you love and work with in a positive way too.  It's a win-win proposition.

I wish you good luck and success with your goals for the year!

24 hours in a day?

We all have 24 hours in a day, right?  Maybe not and here's why.  Everyone sleeps somewhere between 6-10 hours a day.  That time can't be counted as productive time (unless you count the body renewing itself during sleep).  Husbands (and often wives) work 8-12 hours a day and that is time outside of your control.  What is left is the productive time that you get to choose how to spend.  For some people, that might only be 4 hours or less each day.  Not much is it?

With that in mind, can you see how important it is to choose how to spend your precious time?  Do you really have time to watch two hours (or more!) of TV every night, just to keep up with the latest sitcom or drama?  Do you really have time to browse Pinterest and FB for hours on end?

I'll admit that I'm sometimes guilty of doing just those things but it's a rare day, not the norm.  Where is the time for exercising?  For spending time with the kids?  For spending uninterrupted time with your husband?  For enriching activities such as service, gardening, education, personal hobbies?  When are you and your husband going to get around to home maintenance and organization?

If you put time into perspective, you'll see how important it is to choose wisely the small amount of time you actually have.  My husband's saying, "There isn't enough time to do all the wonderful things there are to do" is very true.  It's up to us what we do.

Maslow, Motherhood, and Me

Exposing my inner nerd, I admit that one of my favorite classes in college was a study of Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs.  Simply put, he believed that a person is motivated to achieve certain needs and that the most basic needs have to be fulfilled before moving up to higher levels of needs.  His model is usually portrayed in the form of a pyramid, with the most basic needs (food, shelter, water, air, etc) on the bottom, moving up in complexity until reaching the top level of self-actualization (achieving personal potential and fulfillment).

Although critics point out the flaws in his model, there is enough truth in it to be useful in various aspects of motherhood and living in general.  Babies are the most obvious example when considering their needs.  At the bottom of their little "need pyramid" is sleep, food, warmth, dry diaper, followed by interaction with mother, being held and cuddling, followed by external stimuli etc.  A financial "pyramid" would have the basics of employment, shelter, food, warmth, clothing...followed by things like health needs, communication, transportation, followed by education, entertainment, travel, philanthropy etc.

In both these examples, in order to be satisfied and happy, the basic needs have to be considered first.  Can you see how this model can be used in other areas?  Take food...the USDA used this same type of model for several years (the Food Pyramid) to show what our diets should look like.  Grains at the bottom, sweets at the top.  (I think I have my pyramid reversed!)

When there is an area of dissatisfaction in your life, try to think of the problem in terms of a pyramid.  Are the basics taken care of?   Whether the problem is housekeeping, diet, your children's behavior, your relationship with your spouse, your employment...your pyramid needs a stable foundation to be strong.  Work on shoring up that foundation before moving up to bigger and better things.

Today

Have you ever noticed how often we moms focus on the future?  "I can't wait until my baby sleeps through the night.  I can't wait until my husband finishes school.  I can't wait until the kids go to kindergarten.  I can't wait until we buy a house.  I can't wait until they're grown!"

Having goals to work towards and dreams to keep us going is important but even more important is focusing on the here and now.  Today is the day you are living.  Today you are making tomorrow's memories.  Make those memories good ones.  Enjoy your children at the stage they are in right now.  It won't last, I promise you.  Find humor in the crazy things they do.  Find beauty in your surroundings.  Show your husband and children that you love them...today.

Keep your goals and dreams but don't neglect the most important day of all...today.

Prioritize!

Some things are a high priority!

I learned a valuable lesson last week.  When you are overwhelmed, it's ok to let some things go until you're no longer stressed.  Whether it's having a baby, getting married, going through an illness, dealing with the death of a loved one, or anything else that's not your average run of the mill crisis, learning how to prioritize will save your sanity.

In my case, it was dealing with the marriage of my youngest daughter.  Because she lives in and married in another state, we had to travel to the wedding and then hurry back home to prepare for a reception here.  I thought I could handle all the various details as well as the other obligations I have on a daily basis.  Wrong!  The important things got taken care of but when I had a few minutes to tackle other projects, all I wanted to do was take a nap  :)  (By the way, naps are good.)

I feel bad that I didn't write a blog post in over a week but that was lower on my priority list at the time.  There were other things that didn't get the attention they needed (like picking zucchini and beans from the garden) but, oh well.

It would be nice to be a supermom but we can't wear our super cape all the time.  Sometimes we just have to pick the most important tasks of the day, do the best we can and let the less important things go.  Oh, and find time to take a nap.  :)

Why complicate things?

More and more I'm coming to the conclusion that many of us complicate things unnecessarily.  Activities, meals, home decor, child raising, parties, trips, you name it, it's possible to over-do it.  Some people have the mindset of "Why do something when you can overdo it?"

What happens when we overdo things?  We become inflexible.  We stress out when something doesn't happen as planned.  We can't enjoy ourselves.  Our family feels our stress and then they become stressed.  We overspend and worry about that.  Our focus becomes about things and not about people.  And at the end of all our effort, we look back and wonder why we feel let down.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Everyone's stress level is different.  For some, even having a small backyard get-together causes intense anxiety while others love to create events worthy of Martha Stewart Magazine.  You know your own stress level.  You don't have to compare yourself with anyone else.

But whatever your comfort level, people are more important than things.  Being relaxed and happy and providing your family with simple, enjoyable experiences will build a close family bond and cherished memories to remember forever.

Characteristics of happy families

In the opening line of Leo Tolstoy's classic novel Anna Karenina, he writes, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."  Truer words were never spoken.  Whether in 1873 (when Tolstoy penned the phrase) or 2013, characteristics of happy families are timeless.

What could be considered characteristics of happy families today?

1. Respect.  Every member of the family is important.  Disrespectful behavior and actions are not acceptable by children nor parents.

2. Put family first.  There are always outside influences that pull at the heart of the family but the needs and consideration of the family is foremost in their minds.

3. Accept.  Not one member of the family is perfect although all are trying to improve themselves every day.  Acceptance of each member, flaws and all, contribute to happiness in the family.

4. Communicate.  Being able to communicate openly with family members keeps misunderstandings from building into huge conflicts.  Having Family Councils or Family Meetings frequently gives everyone a voice in family matters.

5. Support.  Knowing that your family "has your back" helps in dealing with difficulties outside the home and builds unity inside the home.

6. Pray together.  Religious families have a framework with which to build their family on, based on principles of love, kindness and service.

7. Service.  Helping other people brings families closer together, and decreases feelings of selfishness.

8. Build family traditions.  Every family has unique traditions that help bond the family and create lasting memories.  These don't have to be elaborate nor expensive, just things that your family identifies as their own.

As no family is perfect, these are things to work on and improve in our families.  Luckily, we have the ability to change and adopt techniques that strengthen rather than weaken our families.  Characteristics of happy families have stood the test of time.   They work.

"Those who do not learn from the past..."

A famous quote that is often applied to the condition of war is "Those who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it."  (George Santayana).  Now, I'm not saying that raising children is a form of war  :) but the quote can also be applied to family life.

How?  We all grew up in a family.  That family had its successes and challenges.  Our parents did many things right and some things...wrong.  Do you remember saying when you were a teenager that you would NEVER do (whatever) when YOU had children?

Well, now it's your turn.  You are the parent.  You have the opportunity to raise your children any way you please.  Are you going to remember the experiences of your youth?  Are you going to try to repeat the good things your parents did?  Are you going to try to find other ways of dealing with problems that didn't work for your parents?

It is a good thing that we don't have to start from scratch when we start our own family.  We have had experiences that will help shape the decisions we make.  By remembering those past experiences, we can have an idea of what the outcome will be with our children.

It's all up to us how we apply that knowledge.  We can use it as a stepping stone to improve our role as parents or we can use it as a stumbling block to hold us back from being the best parents we can be.