Correction not criticism

Little imp!  :)

Because no one is perfect (not you nor your children), you can be assured that your children will misbehave.  It's part of their growing up process...learning to control their impulses, learning what is appropriate, learning right and wrong. 

As a mother, you are learning and growing too which sometimes leads to unpleasant confrontations and criticisms.  Those are emotional reactions, not especially helpful in dealing with a misbehaving child or teenager.  Instead of criticizing. let's aim at correction.

When you respond emotionally, your child is going to respond the same way and that is only going to escalate emotions, not solve a problem.  What you want from your child is for him to know what he did wrong and come up with more appropriate ways to act.  You want him to correct his behavior.

Can you respond to a whinny child calmly?  Can you talk with your belligerent teenager quietly and  without overreacting?  That, my dear friend, is your challenge.  You already know that you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself.  But the good thing is that by changing yourself, you often cause someone else to change which is what you wanted all along.  It's a win-win situation. 

The key is correction, not criticism.

Social media tips for moms with teens.

Having raised eight teenagers and lived to tell about it, I'd like to share some tips about social media for moms.

1. When your children are old enough for their own Facebook account, make that privilege conditional upon them "friending" you.  As a parent, you need to have some level of control over what your children are doing and who their friends are.
2. Respect your kids and refrain from commenting regularly on their status messages and friend's updates.  No LOL's please!
3. Don't "friend" their friends.  If their friends "friend" you, accept.
4. Don't embarrass them with baby pictures or unflattering pictures without their permission.
5. Teach your kids about social media safety.  No "friending" strangers or even casual acquaintances.  No giving out personal information like phone numbers and addresses in a general post.  If they need to give someone personal information, tell them to message them privately.
6. Along with #5, don't announce vacations, trips and other reasons the family won't be home to the general public either.
7. Save serious discussions for in person.  Facebook isn't the place to "air dirty laundry".

And just for you moms,
8. Don't "friend" old boyfriends.
9. Don't overwhelm your friends with political posts (especially if you are of a different political party).
10. Respect the opinions of others. 
11. Remember, anyone can see what you post online.  Make sure what you post reflects the best of you. 

It's amazing how many teenagers and adults post things that are dangerous, uncomfortable and/or cringe-worthy.  Be wise!

12 Things you should not say to your children

Parenting is a frustrating job.  No doubt about it.  However, no matter how frustrated or mad you get, there are a few things you really shouldn't say to your children, regardless of the situation.  Just off the top of my head are the following phrases that have no place in your vocabulary.

1.  Shut up.
2.  You NEVER ...
3.  You ALWAYS...
3.  Why can't you be more like...
4.  Grow up.
5.  You're just like your father.
6.  ANYONE can do it, why can't you?
7.  When I was YOUR age...
8.  You're stupid.
9.  You're lazy.
10.  You're a bad girl/boy.
11.  #%$*@#  (translated - any swear word)
12.  And we can't forget...When you grow up, I hope you have one just like you. 

You can be a better parent than that!  No name calling.  No belittling.  No comparing.  If you treat your children with respect, they will be more likely to have respect for you.

Over-reacting vs under-reacting

Many years ago, a family moved into our neighborhood and they attended the same church as my family.  This family consisted of a mom and dad and six children, including 13 year old twin boys.  These boys were tall, smart and handsome...and totally out of control.  They caused teachers to quit in tears.  They disrupted each and every activity they were involved in.  Their peers loved their antics and the adults shuddered when they entered a room.

I was in the foyer of our church one Sunday, taking care of my toddler and one of the twins came up to me and said something I'll never forget.  He said, "I like you.  You don't put up with our crap."  From this boy, that was quite a compliment.  :)

Children like attention and often will go to extreme lengths to get it. They seem to know just what "buttons" to push to get a reaction from us.  The best way to deal with this?  Instead of over-reacting, try under-reacting.  This will throw them off guard.  You're not ignoring them.  You're just not responding in a way they anticipate, defuses the situation, and puts you in control (at least of you).

Next time your child does something to intentionally provoke you, try under-reacting and see how he responds.  It won't be what he's expecting and you'll be surprised how quickly he realizes that he doesn't have the power over you that he thought he had.  It's a very liberating feeling.  :)

Preteens

Ah yes, preteens.  That lovely period of time when your sweet little boy or girl turns into a gawky, awkward teenager.  Poor kid!  Do you remember when you were 11 and 12?  Most of us try to forget the insecurities we felt then but it all comes back when our own child reaches that age.

Some parents have asked me how to know when their child is starting the transition into the teenager.  I laugh and tell them that they will be able to know by the smell.  :)  Not to say that preteens neglect their hygiene but they no longer smell like sweet little children.  Their hormones start acting up and producing more...grownup smells.  In other words, your boy's (or your girl's) room smells curiously like a locker room.

Moms, be gentle on your kids at this time.  It's hard enough for them to deal with wildly fluctuating hormones and changes in their bodies without being teased or made to feel ashamed or embarrassed by things beyond their control.  All kids have to go through changes to reach adulthood.  None are immune.  Some days you'll think you have a mature young person in your family.  Other times you'll think you have another preschooler.  Other times you'll wonder just WHERE this kid came from!

Hopefully, you'll give them some warning of what's going to happen to their bodies and emotions BEFORE it's obviously happening.  Be matter-of-fact about changes and speak positively.  Encourage questions and provide information as they ask for it.  If they don't ask for it, provide it anyway.  Some kids are too embarrassed to ask. 

Even though this can be a challenging time for your child, it marks the beginning of a new stage of life.  And with anything new, there has to be a period of adjustment...for both your child and for you. 

Selective hearing

Children can be so exasperating!  You know they can hear perfectly well (their pediatrician will back you up on that) yet when you tell them to do something (or NOT do something) they look at you with a blank uncomprehending stare.  They have selective hearing but don't worry, it's not clinical  :)

Here's something to try when you give your child directions.  Ask him to tell you what you just said.  Most likely he'll just go "uhhhhhhh, I don't know".  So repeat what you want him to do and ask again what you said.  He'll probably be listening a little closer this time.  Make sure he got all the important facts of what you said.  Then see that he follows through.

I think kids get distracted or preoccupied and really aren't paying attention when you tell them something.  So, you assume he heard you when in reality, he didn't.  By asking him to tell you in his words what you want him to do, he'll learn how to be a better listener and a better listener is one step closer to a child who doesn't have to be reminded of everything.

Welcome to the teenage years :)

It sneaks up on you.  You think you have this child raising thing figured out.  Your children are (for the most part) cooperative.  Life is fairly predictable.  And then you realize that things aren't going as smoothly as usual.  Your child with the sunny disposition is questioning everything you say.  He is getting an...attitude.  He sleeps a lot and eats a lot.  He drags his feet when told to do something.  And his room?  It's starting to smell like a locker room.

Welcome to the teenage years.  :)  Now, they're not always as bad as everyone says.  But they DO require some changes on your part as HE is experiencing change in all aspects of his life.  It's a time of transition and transitions mean adapting to new ideas or circumstances or experiences.  For your child, it means major changes in his or her body both externally and internally.  It signals the period of time when your child changes from a child to an adult.

What does that mean for you, his parents?  Well, first of all it means empathy...remembering what it was like when YOU were going through those years.  You may not have ever raised a teenager before but you certainly were one once so you do have insight into the kinds of problems he is facing.  You need to help him understand that the changes he's going through are normal.  And although normal, not an excuse to be disrespectful of his parents and other family members.  Family rules will still be enforced.  There will still be expectations placed on him.  But, with growing maturity will come increased freedom and trust until the day when he is no longer a child but an adult.

It would be nice if all this took place over a short period of time but most kids need several years to transition from dependence on you to independence.  Be patient.  It's going to be easy to get frustrated and annoyed when he rolls his eyes at you or answers with sarcasm but you have to remember that YOU are the adult.  You are still setting an example for him.  Being calm and in control of yourself is probably more important at this stage of life than ever before.

Teenagers do eventually grow up and become adults.   After all, you and I did  :)

Questions

I wonder what she's thinking about...

We spend a lot of time telling our kids what to do, correcting them, disciplining them, giving them directions.  Have you thought about ASKING them questions periodically to see what they're thinking about, if they understand what you're telling them to do, or just to get their opinion?  I think we sometimes forget that our children are people with their own thoughts and opinions.  It can be very illuminating to get a glimpse into their minds.   A caution...asking too many questions though can sound like interrogation so be careful about coming across too strong.  Try to keep your voice neutral and listen without judgment so your child will be comfortable expressing herself.

Here are some examples...
The family is watching a TV show and the characters are making some bad decisions.  Instead of telling the kids that what they're watching is wrong, try asking them what they think of the character's actions.  Engage in some dialogue with them, if possible.  Not in a preachy way but to get an idea of where their thoughts and values are.

You are with your daughter at a store and you see a teenager with multiple piercings and tattoos.  You ask your daughter what she thinks of body decoration.  It might open a discussion about what is appropriate and why.

Your son is fighting against some of the rules of the house.  You ask him why he thinks you (the parents) set those rules.  You ask him what he would do if HIS kid broke rules.

You are trying to give instructions to your child who doesn't appear to be listening.  Asking him to tell you what you said will help you determine if he understood or needs some extra instruction.

By asking occasional questions, you will get an idea of what your child is thinking.  You will show him that you care about his opinion.    Questions can also serve to help your child develop her thinking and listening skills and learn how to vocalize and defend her opinions.  Useful skills!

Stubborn kids

Aren't stubborn kids frustrating?  Why can't they do what they're told?  Well...let me give you a hint.  Even though it's our job as moms to direct our children and sometimes to even tell them what to do, they like to feel like they are in control of their world.

No one likes to be forced to do something even if it's for their own good.  You will have far more success if you manipulate the situation in such a way that they think it's THEIR own idea rather than yours.  Not fair, I know but if you end up in a power struggle with your kids, no one wins.

I think it's kinda funny how one of my children would tell me this great idea she had and in my head I'm thinking..."Uh huh, I've been telling you that all along."  Instead I just smile.

A mom's review of Glee

In 2009, I watched a pilot for a new show called Glee and while I was a little uncomfortable with a few of the storylines, I enjoyed the music, the characters and the quirkiness of it all.  I watched Glee regularly for two seasons and was increasingly uncomfortable with the direction the show was going.  I still liked the music but that wasn't enough for me to keep watching.

Fast forward to February 2013 and I heard in a promotion that the next episode was going to be Will and Emma finally getting married.  Liking them from previous seasons, I decided to tune in and see what was happening with Glee.  Wow!  I went from uncomfortable to disbelief that a TV show targeted for the teen audience could be so blatantly sexual.  Let's see...the former high school sweethearts slept together even though she is also sleeping with another guy;  the former Christian cheerleader slept with her former fellow cheerleader (because she always wanted to know what it felt like to sleep with another girl);  the two wheelchair high school students slept together,  another high school couple were planning on sleeping together but backed out (good for them!), the two former homosexual lovers "reconnected" in their hotel room...and those are the ones I can remember off the top of my head.  Oh, and the show ended with the girl who is sleeping with two guys finding out she's pregnant...I think.

Really?!  What kind of role models are we promoting for our preteens and teenagers?  The characters in the show are attractive and talented.  The music is appealing.  I can see kids watching the show getting the idea that all this stuff is ok, even acceptable.  It's no wonder teenagers are confused.  They are at a vulnerable stage in life and they want to fit in and be accepted. 

I'm disappointed in Glee.  The show started out with the easy-to-relate-to premise of a bunch of mis-fit kids finding a common love of music bringing them together and building friendships.  Now it's just a soap opera for young people. 

I looked up the show's ratings this morning and noticed that after the second season, the show is experiencing a steady downturn in viewers.  Maybe the executives of the show will get the message that there are people who disapprove of the overt sexuality of the show.  I hope so.

Thrifty Thursday - My kid needs braces!

Even with braces, I think she's adorable  :)

It might seem incongruous to write a post about something expensive on Thrifty Thursday but stay with me.  Being frugal and saving money isn't about ignoring things that are important, but using your limited resources wisely.

It might be obvious that your child needs braces or it might not be so obvious.  But one thing is sure...it's a pretty normal part of being a preteen and/or teenager.  And it's not just about crooked teeth.  It's about being able to floss and brush her teeth so as to cut down on present and future tooth decay and other dental problems.  It's about being able to chew and swallow properly.  It's about her self esteem, confidence and relationships with her peers.

More and more, dentists are recommending starting orthodontic treatment at a young age but if you can't manage to start your child early, she won't be alone if  she starts when she's a teenager.  Most of my children started treatment when they were 10 to 12 but my youngest didn't start until she was nearly 15, because of financial issues at the time.  Still, by the time she graduated from high school, she had completed treatment and had a beautiful, healthy smile.

The big day finally arrived for the braces to come off!

If you think (or your dentist thinks) that braces are in your child's future, explore your options.  Often, insurance covers fifty percent of treatment.  Even without insurance orthodontists almost always offer a payment plan that works with your ability to pay or there might be a dental school nearby that has discount prices in their clinic.  It never hurts to ask. 

Totally worth it!

I never considered orthodontia to be a frivolous or unnecessary expense or luxury.  To me it is an investment in my children's future.  After all, they couldn't help it that they inherited my husband's and my lousy genes.  :)

The "Other" 10 Commandments

This has been hanging in my hall for years and years.  It still applies.  Author unknown.

Pick your battles

Where's your bowtie?!

My daughter worked in an ice cream parlor and she came home one day upset because the boss wanted all the employees to wear BOWTIES!  She ranted and raved at the indignity of such a hideous requirement.  I listened to her go on and on and sympathized with the injustice of it all.  The next day when she was in a better mood, I reminded her that the owner had the right to dictate the dress code and that maybe she'd survive if she complied with the request.  I told her that some things are worth fighting for and some things just aren't.  She had the option of quitting her job if she felt it was the right thing to do or she could let it go and not make a big thing of it.  She grudgingly agreed with me even though she grumbled every time she put on her bowtie.

Learning which battles to fight and which to let go is a hard thing to do whether you're a teenager or an adult.  Yet the people who are able to discern between the two are less stressed out and happier than those who get upset over every annoyance that comes into their lives.  Let's face it - if we wanted to get mad, there are opportunities every day to justify our anger.  But is it worth it?  Does it make us feel better?

According to Dr. Richard Carlson, author of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff ... and It's All Small Stuff, "Often we allow ourselves to get all worked up about things that, upon closer examination, aren't really that big a deal. We focus on little problems and concerns and blow them way out of proportion."   So, how about it?  Before you pick a fight, can you ask yourself if it's worth it?  Could you respond in a different way?  Do you have to prove yourself right at the expense of the relationship of a loved one?  Sometimes even if you "win" you lose.  That's why you might want to consider picking your battles carefully...even if it means wearing a bowtie.

Kids grow up :)

This evening I was visiting with two of my daughters and one of their good friends and I asked them what I should write about in my blog today.  Michelle (name changed, of course) immediately said she knew exactly what I should talk about...accepting that kids grow up and not bringing up embarrassing stories from their childhood.  She raises a good point.

Sometimes it's easy to forget that your teenagers are growing up and are no longer little children.  They should be given increased responsibility as they show they can handle it.  They need to have opportunities to make their own decisions.  The teenage years are a time of transition not only for them but for you.  Your relationship will change...hopefully for the best as they grow and mature into adults.  You can make a big difference in how hard or easy that transition is.

Along with this, you may have numerous embarrassing and/or blackmail-worthy stories or pictures of your children.  Try not to share them  :)  I know it's hard not to but if you want to maintain a good relationship with your teenager, you won't do it.  Any "interesting" stories are best left to your son or daughter to share with others.  If you feel like telling a story, ask yourself if you'd want that story told if it were about you.

The teenage years are some of the most challenging yet enjoyable years you will have with your children.   They're growing up.  This is good. 

This post is for you, Michelle   :)

Girls need their moms to be moms

Some moms think that the only way they can develop a good relationship with their teenage daughters is to dress and act like one too.  I'm sure you've seen them at the mall and at school functions...they're the women in their late 30's or 40's (or heaven forbid, older) who look glaringly out of place in their outfits from Aeropostale or Hollister, who are hanging around with a group of teenagers (hopefully one of them is their daughter!).

Here's a news flash - Girls need their moms to be moms first.  They have enough friends but they only have one mom, and that's you.  Of course, you should keep up with what your daughter and her friends are wearing, listening to, reading and doing but as a bystander, not an active participant! 

If you take on the role of best friend, who does that leave to provide the stability, security, guidance and discipline for your children?  Your husband?  That's not really fair.  Your daughter?  That's just not right either.  It's your job to provide those things for your daughters and sons too.

That's not to say that you have to dress like a frumpy old lady but remember that you have left the teenage years behind and it's someone else's turn to be the kid.  You can still dress up to date and trendy if you want but please stay away from your daughter's clothes!

You don't need to act like a teenager to relate to one.

Just wait until she's a teenager!

Into each of our lives comes pivotal moments, experiences that change or reinforce the direction we are traveling.  Some are monumental but others are small, seemingly inconsequential experiences that, only in hindsight, can we see their importance.

One of those moments came for me many years ago during a casual conversation between me and an older lady I knew.  I was holding my sweet little newborn daughter in my arms and this lady came up to me and commented on how beautiful she was and then she said it..."Just wait until she's a teenager!  All teenagers are rebellious and troublemakers!"  I couldn't believe my ears!  She was serious!  It almost sounded like a curse in a fairy tale..."Before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday, she will turn into a monster!"  Just like any good queen in the fairy tale, I held my daughter closer and vowed that I would break the horrible curse.  Really though, her words sunk deep in me and I can still remember them and the way they made me feel.  The poor lady who uttered those words, probably had no idea what an impact they would have on me or on my family.

What this lady did was strengthen my resolve to take my role of motherhood seriously.  I knew that the way I treated my children while they were young would impact the people they grew up to be.  I knew I could not be lazy and just assume my kids would turn out ok regardless of what I did.  I was the one who had to teach them values and principles and teach them about choices and consequences.  Other people would have influence over them but during their impressionable first years, it was up to me to set the foundation for their future growth.  As with anything of importance, preventative care is far more desirable than emergency repair!

Mothers, you are important!  Never forget it!

Regardless...

There are few things more annoying than incessant whining and complaining by your children.  It's enough to make you give in and do whatever it takes to stop the noise.  But, kids are more clever than you think.  That's just what they want you to do and that's why they do it.  When you give in to their demands, you are unconsciously reinforcing the exact behavior you want to stop.  There is something pretty easy you can do to cut down on the number of times they try this tactic.  First, remember to remain calm and even tempered yourself.  Stand by what you say and mean what you say.  If your child argues with you, try using the word "regardless" and restating your stand.  By doing this, you acknowledge that you heard what your child said, yet you don't agree or disagree with him.  Usually you only need to do this a couple times before you deflate the argument.  Example - Your child wants to go to a friend's house but you don't want him to.  He complains that you never let him go.  You say, "Regardless, you can't go over there today."  To which he replies, "That's not fair!"  And you respond, "Regardless, not today."  And so on.  It's really hard to argue with someone when they don't keep the argument going.  Try it out sometime.