Correction not criticism

Little imp!  :)

Because no one is perfect (not you nor your children), you can be assured that your children will misbehave.  It's part of their growing up process...learning to control their impulses, learning what is appropriate, learning right and wrong. 

As a mother, you are learning and growing too which sometimes leads to unpleasant confrontations and criticisms.  Those are emotional reactions, not especially helpful in dealing with a misbehaving child or teenager.  Instead of criticizing. let's aim at correction.

When you respond emotionally, your child is going to respond the same way and that is only going to escalate emotions, not solve a problem.  What you want from your child is for him to know what he did wrong and come up with more appropriate ways to act.  You want him to correct his behavior.

Can you respond to a whinny child calmly?  Can you talk with your belligerent teenager quietly and  without overreacting?  That, my dear friend, is your challenge.  You already know that you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself.  But the good thing is that by changing yourself, you often cause someone else to change which is what you wanted all along.  It's a win-win situation. 

The key is correction, not criticism.

Developing a healthy relationship with your parents

Today I read an article from a mom of two young children, telling readers not to take advice from their parents.  I could take issue with the content of the article (it wasn't well supported) but I think the author has deeper issues than she realizes.

Developing a healthy relationship with your parents (especially your mother) can be a tricky endeavor.  Although you are still (and always will be) their child, you are also an adult who has children of your own.  You and your husband establish rules and practices that you both feel is best for your family.  Hopefully, these decisions take into account the successes and challenges of the families you were raised in, as well as things that are uniquely your own.

If your relationship with your parents is solid, you won't dismiss the advice they give but will listen with respect and consideration.  They might have some good ideas.  Hopefully, you are comfortable talking with them, discussing your problems and concerns, and not intimidated by their suggestions.

The problem arises when you haven't developed a healthy adult relationship.  It's understandable if your parents were truly horrible.  In that case, it might be necessary to distance yourself and your family from their toxic influence but that is extremely rare.  In most instances, your parents were loving, although imperfect, people who tried their best.   It's to your advantage to accept them and their efforts.  You are no longer a child and shouldn't react to them as a child.  It's ok to disagree but it's not ok to be rude and insensitive. It's time to put childish insecurities to rest for the sake of your own children and your sanity.

The adult relationship you develop with your parents will have a big impact on your family over the years.  They are the grandparents of your children.  Try to work with them.   This is an opportunity to create a new, healthy relationship with the people who loved YOU as a child, just as you love YOUR children now.

It's all in the perspective!

Thanks Hubby!

After a fitful night, I didn't want to get up and do anything today.  I was tired.  I was cranky.  Everything could wait, right?  I deserved a day off.  Then that little (annoying) voice in my head reminded me that my husband gets up early every morning, whether he slept well or not.  He goes to work and puts in a full day even if he's tired or cranky.  He makes it possible for me to be a stay-at-home mother by providing for our family's needs and being supportive of me.

That thinking made me feel pretty selfish!  So I don't want to do laundry or dishes or take care of all the little details that are part of being a mom.  That's my job, my profession.  Instead of griping I should be counting my blessings and thanking my husband.

Life is good.

12 Things you should not say to your children

Parenting is a frustrating job.  No doubt about it.  However, no matter how frustrated or mad you get, there are a few things you really shouldn't say to your children, regardless of the situation.  Just off the top of my head are the following phrases that have no place in your vocabulary.

1.  Shut up.
2.  You NEVER ...
3.  You ALWAYS...
3.  Why can't you be more like...
4.  Grow up.
5.  You're just like your father.
6.  ANYONE can do it, why can't you?
7.  When I was YOUR age...
8.  You're stupid.
9.  You're lazy.
10.  You're a bad girl/boy.
11.  #%$*@#  (translated - any swear word)
12.  And we can't forget...When you grow up, I hope you have one just like you. 

You can be a better parent than that!  No name calling.  No belittling.  No comparing.  If you treat your children with respect, they will be more likely to have respect for you.

A different perspective

Each generation can learn from the previous one!

As a child, you watched your parents from the eyes of a child.  Now that you're a parent yourself, you might understand why your parents did the things they did.  That realization might come when you hear yourself sounding just like your mother or doing the same thing your father did.

Your parents were not perfect.  They made mistakes and had their own struggles.  You might not have been a perfect little angel yourself!  :)  But looking back, you can learn from their successes and even their failures.

I'd like to suggest you ask yourself two things.
1. In what ways were your parents successful in raising their children?
2. What don't you want to repeat as you raise your own children?

From my own experience, I can say that my mother was extremely patient and had a calm presence.  If she was stressed out, I didn't notice it (as a child).  She was active and involved in the family and community.  She didn't allow any swearing or crude language.

Less positive...my mother was somewhat indifferent to housekeeping.   Maybe because of that, I don't like clutter or messes.  Also, I wish religion had been more important to the family as I was growing up.

Doing this little two question exercise will help you identify traits and behaviors you want to pass on to your children and which things you want to change.  The good things your parents did should be implemented in your own home, while the things that didn't work out so well should be replaced with better methods.

Build on their successes and bury their shortcomings.  Learn from them!

  

Do you agree?

Believe me, my husband and I have our share of disagreements.  Being two distinctly unique individuals, it's normal to have differing opinions.  Either those differences in opinion end in resolution or an impasse.  We are still dealing with a few of those impasses.  :)

The one area where you and your husband need to see eye-to-eye, is in the area of child rearing.  Children seem to know instinctively when their parents disagree and can and will use that knowledge to come between you and get their way.  You might have to compromise, but remember, a united front is crucial in keeping peace in the family.

Do you and your husband agree on the following -
1. Discipline.  What kind of discipline is appropriate?  Who will be the primary disciplinarian?  
2. Education.  How will they be educated?  How early?
3. Electronics.  How much TV and/or electronic devices is appropriate?  What kind?  When can they   be used? 
4. Religion.  Is religion going to be a focus in your family?  How?
5. Dating.  It isn't too early to approach this topic.  When is dating appropriate?  What are the rules?
6. Modesty.  Do you have boundaries for dress? What are they? 

If you don't agree, you might want to have some pretty serious conversations with your spouse to discuss these issues.  When the need is immediate, it's too late.  Yes, children push boundaries all the time to see if those boundaries are actually there.  Are they? 
 

Predictable Patterns

People are creatures of habit.  Ask someone to step outside their comfort zone and do something out of the ordinary, and most will resist.  Falling back on predictable patterns of behavior is what we are used to doing.  It's comfortable. The same is true with communication.  Almost without thought, we respond in a particular way, when provoked, stressed or just plain tired.

Unfortunately, those predictable patterns aren't always the most effective ways of interacting with the world around us.  If you find yourself repeatedly frustrated with children (or spouse) because you get into the same old arguments and disagreements, a change in the way you communicate with them might produce totally different results.

For example, if you tend to yell at your children when they do something wrong, try leaning in close and talking in a low, quiet voice.  Most likely, your child is going to stop, if only to process this new behavior.  The same is true with your spouse.  Responding in a different way will result in a different outcome. 

Relationships evolve over time.  Children grow and learn new forms of driving us crazy  :)  If you feel like you are stuck in predictable relationship patterns, step out of that comfort zone and surprise them!  Do something different! 

Generation gap?

Ever learning from each other, regardless of age!

Every generation thinks they're unique.  Their problems have never been experienced by previous generations.  They must forge ahead into unknown territory all by themselves.  No one from another generation could possibly understand their trials.

Let's take apart this myth.
First, whatever generation you were born into, is the place in time that you are going to relate to, whatever your age.  Although THE world doesn't revolve around you, YOUR world revolves around you and your current challenges. That doesn't mean that someone a few years older than you didn't experience similar difficulties (and ultimately, get through them!).

Certain stages of life produce fairly predictable trials, difficulties and growth.  These universal stages apply to everyone.  Example - Puberty, establishing family and career, parenthood, old age.  Not many people can get through life without muddling through these (and other) experiences. 

Although external factors might change and produce their own challenges, basic parenting principles  remain constant.  Even during times of war or disaster, mothers still protect their children and try to keep their lives as "normal" as possible.  The basics of life still need to be met.  

When you dismiss the input of your aging parents, grandparents or older moms as "out of touch" or not relevant to today's challenges, you are missing out on a wealth of knowledge and wisdom.  Your parents and other older adults have experienced trials and have lived to tell about it.  They have something you don't have - hindsight.  They have already raised teenagers.  They know what sleepless nights are like.  They dealt with behavior problems, health problems and relationship problems.  You can learn from their successes and mistakes.

Each generation doesn't have to start over from scratch.  Implementing time-tested methods of child raising and making friends with a few slightly older mothers, will help tremendously in raising your children in today's world.  And as moms, we can use all the help we can get!

The two most important hours of the day

There are two magic hours in every day.  How these two hours are spent will largely determine the level of happiness and satisfaction for the rest of the day.  They are also the best times for strengthening family relationships and bonding.  Any ideas what those two hours are?

The first one is the first hour in the morning.  It's the hour that sets the tone for the day.  It can start out stressful and rushed.  Or it can be a time when your husband and children feel your love and encouragement as they prepare to leave for the day.  A relaxed breakfast, clothes laid out the night before, lunch prepared, all papers and books accounted for, maybe a morning prayer and short devotional.  What makes the difference between stressed and prepared?  Maybe half an hour.  Is it worth it?  I think so.

The second magic hour in the day is the dinner hour.  Having everyone together at the table reviewing their day, sharing ideas and information is incredibly important for building strong family ties.  There aren't many other times in the day when everyone can actually be in the same place at the same time.  It's worth it to schedule activities around your family time, not the other way around.  This is also a good time to practice table manners, polite conversation and respect.  Where else are the kids going to learn it?

Our homes can be a place of refuge and peace amidst the craziness of the world.  Those two magic hours can give your family the strength and confidence to meet the challenges of the day.  We need all the help we can get!

Worth fighting for

I try to keep my posts upbeat and positive but today I am writing about something that makes me sad.  Two people, with whom I am very close, are considering divorce and I wish there was something I could do to stop it. 

Both are intelligent, caring people, and good parents.  They have so much going for them but are ready to give up. They won't consider counseling.  Separately they each express a desire for their marriage to work.  What I want to do is get the two of them together and ask them straight out, "What do you want?  Do you want to keep your family?"  "If you do, what are you willing to do to make it work?  What changes are YOU willing to make?" 

To keep a marriage strong and healthy, each person HAS to consider the wants and needs of their spouse.  Focusing on what they're NOT getting or what their spouse isn't doing isn't going to rebuild the relationship.  A wise person once said that divorce is spelled S-E-L-F-I-S-H-N-E-S-S.  Two people working separately might make a marriage work but two people working together are more likely to achieve an unbreakable bond that will survive whatever challenge they are faced with. 

Marriage isn't easy.  It's hard work.  And it's constant work.  But it's worth fighting for...especially when there are children involved.  Being mature and acting responsibly is a lot harder than giving in to impulsive words and actions but that's what being an adult (and a spouse and a parent) are all about.  Our time to be children and act in childish ways are past.  It's now our turn to be the adults.  It might be hard but it also provides us with our greatest joy and happiness.

I don't know what will happen with my dear friends but I know I will be supportive and pray for the best resolution for them and their children.

Talking with your teenager

If you have teenagers (or preteens), this might sound familiar...
Mom, "How was your day, dear?"
Teen, "Fine."
Mom, "Anything good going on?"
Teen, "No."
Mom, "How did your test go?"
Teen, "Fine."
And so it goes...

 If you're looking for meaningful conversation with your teen, you're probably going to have to wait a few years.  :)  However, you might get a few more words out of his or her mouth if you try asking open-ended questions that can't be answered with one word.  For example, you could say, "Tell me about your day, dear"  or "What was the best part of your day?"  You still might get short answers but at least his answer requires a little more thought.  If you ask a whole slew of questions in an effort to get a little dialogue going, it's only going to sound like interrogation and will only hinder any genuine conversation.

Be patient.  If you can maintain a trusting and open environment, he'll eventually open up...when he's ready.  Good luck!
"How does that sound?"  "Fine."

Core values

Sisters can be taught how to get along  :)

Society's views of child rearing seems to change with each passing decade.  The focus shifts depending on current issues of the day.  A look at presidential first ladies gives us a glimpse of this trend.  Nancy Reagan in the 80's used the slogan, "Just say no (to drugs)".  Laura Bush advocated literacy in the 90's.  Hillary Clinton believed, "It takes a village (to raise a child)".  And Michelle Obama is currently promoting against childhood obesity.

While all of these causes are noble and worthwhile, they don't focus on time-tested and tried values and standards that have been proved to produce well-adjusted children and happy families.  Without strong values, taught in the home, families are left to shift with the tide of popular policy and opinion.

What are some of these core values that are so important?  I came up with my own list and then googled the subject and found that all of the values I wrote down were also listed in numerous articles and blogs.  Apparently, these are not radical ideas.  :)

1. Honesty.  How can a society (from the family to a global society) survive without its members being honest?  Being honest is not an excuse for being cruel or harsh. 
2. Respect.  Our children need to learn how to be respectful to their parents, teachers, other adults, younger children and their peers.  I guess that includes just about everyone!
3. Charity.  By this I mean service.  When children are taught how to help other people, they gain a perspective broader than their own little world.  Service also helps children learn...
4. Gratitude.  Being thankful for what you have is a value that we all could improve on!  There is too much of "I WANT!" in our families today.
5. Kindness.  This goes along with respect.  Being unkind hurts.  Children who are kind, find that they have more friends and better relationships with their family.
6. Work.  Whether it's regular chores or periodic jobs, work teaches the concept of following through and being responsible.
7. Obedience.  A two edged sword here.  Blind obedience can get a child into trouble if they trust everyone they come in contact with but being obedient to parents and teachers is absolutely essential to a child's safety and well-being.
8. Humility.  Ok, I didn't see this value listed in the articles I read, but there are too many children who lack this vital trait.  No one likes a cocky, show-off, bragging child.  Being humble reminds children to be thankful.

You're probably not going to see a first lady promoting these core values anytime soon.  It's too bad.  If more parents, leaders and teachers were to address and act upon these values, I think we'd have more children grow up to become happy, contributing members of society. 

So, dear mothers, it's up to us.  Maybe I'll address each value in a separate blog during the next week or so.  It's worthwhile stuff  :)

Some books are timeless...

I came across a little gem of a children's book last week while browsing through a used bookstore.  It was written by Munro Leaf, who wrote the famous children's book about Ferdinand, the peaceful bull who only wanted to sit and smell the flowers.  I remember that book from my own childhood and enjoyed reading it to my children when they were little.  Disney turned the story into a sweet animated cartoon, probably sometime in the 1960's.

Anyway, I digress... I recognized the author but didn't realize he'd written any other book.  Surprise!  After buying this new little book, I went home, googled him, and discovered that over his lifetime, he'd written more than 20 books for children.  Some have been reprinted recently, as was the case with the book I found.

From the book, "How to Behave and Why" by Munro Leaf

It's entitled, "How to Behave and Why"and was written in 1946.  The inside cover states, "In a time when the rules for raising children have been redefined dozens of times, here is a book for bewildered parents, from a simpler time when we all agreed on what was right and what was wrong."  It was written for young children but the message applies to everyone.  The main things you have to do if you want to make friends and keep them are..."You have to be honest. You have to be strong.  You have to be fair.  You have to be wise."

Just because a book is old, doesn't mean that it doesn't have information current to living today.  What a sweet little book.  I'm going to try to find some of his other works!

Losing your temper

My friend is a wonderful, loving mom.  She juggles work, child raising, volunteer work and just being an awesome person with apparent ease.  And then she called me because she (as she said) blew up at the kids.  They had been bickering and fighting and she'd just had enough!  She felt completely guilty and like a horrible mom for losing her temper.

I reassured her that she was ok, her kids were ok and she hadn't damaged their fragile psyches beyond repair.  Even the best, most calm mom has a breaking point.  Moms may be supermoms but they're people too and have limits.  Let's face it, kids can drive you crazy!

If you DO lose your temper, don't despair.  When you've calmed down, apologize to your child for yelling at him, simply and without long explanation or justification.  Try not to make a big deal out of it.  Most likely, your kids will accept your apology and that will be the end of it as far as they're concerned.

As for you, dear overwhelmed Mom, next time try to recognize when you're experiencing that overwhelmed, out-of-control feeling.  Excuse yourself from your kids (if you can) or put them in their rooms or in their crib or someplace safe and tell them that you need a few minutes to yourself.   Take a deep breath and wait until you can deal with your children with calmness and self control.

They'll appreciate it and you'll feel better.

Blessings

I love this little family!  So thankful everyone is going to be all right.

Last night my brother-in-law and three of his young grandchildren were in a car accident.  A drunk driver T-boned them, causing their truck to roll over.  My brother-in-law sustained injuries, including a punctured lung, several broken ribs and assorted other minor injuries.  One granddaughter broke her hand, a grandson lost a tooth and the youngest escaped without injury.

What started out to be a normal quick trip to take the children home, became instead one of those major life-changing experiences that won't be forgotten.  So many emotions come quickly to mind.  Foremost is gratitude for lives saved and the people who came to the aid of the family, providing comfort and calm reassurance during such a stressful time.  This little family is well loved and there has been such an outpouring of support and love as they deal with this unexpected trial.

It's yet another reminder about how precious and fragile life is.  We cannot live in fear of something bad happening but we always need to remember that the most important things in this life are our family.  There is no place for grudges, contention, anger and other negative emotions.  Today is the day to mend broken relationships.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  We should wake up every morning, thanking God for the blessings He has given us and feeling joy for the most important of all relationships, our family.

Characteristics of happy families

In the opening line of Leo Tolstoy's classic novel Anna Karenina, he writes, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."  Truer words were never spoken.  Whether in 1873 (when Tolstoy penned the phrase) or 2013, characteristics of happy families are timeless.

What could be considered characteristics of happy families today?

1. Respect.  Every member of the family is important.  Disrespectful behavior and actions are not acceptable by children nor parents.

2. Put family first.  There are always outside influences that pull at the heart of the family but the needs and consideration of the family is foremost in their minds.

3. Accept.  Not one member of the family is perfect although all are trying to improve themselves every day.  Acceptance of each member, flaws and all, contribute to happiness in the family.

4. Communicate.  Being able to communicate openly with family members keeps misunderstandings from building into huge conflicts.  Having Family Councils or Family Meetings frequently gives everyone a voice in family matters.

5. Support.  Knowing that your family "has your back" helps in dealing with difficulties outside the home and builds unity inside the home.

6. Pray together.  Religious families have a framework with which to build their family on, based on principles of love, kindness and service.

7. Service.  Helping other people brings families closer together, and decreases feelings of selfishness.

8. Build family traditions.  Every family has unique traditions that help bond the family and create lasting memories.  These don't have to be elaborate nor expensive, just things that your family identifies as their own.

As no family is perfect, these are things to work on and improve in our families.  Luckily, we have the ability to change and adopt techniques that strengthen rather than weaken our families.  Characteristics of happy families have stood the test of time.   They work.

Communication, Sudoku style

I had one of those "aha" moments today.  My husband and I both like to play Sudoku, the number game where there's a grid of 9 squares, each square divided into 9 smaller squares, with a few numbers scattered among the boxes.  You have to find the missing numbers so that in each box are the numbers from 1-9 and in the larger grid are the numbers from 1-9 across and down, with no duplicate numbers.  I hope you already basically know about the game because my definition isn't the greatest.  :)

Are our brains different?  You bet!

Anyway, he mentioned a game he'd just finished that was difficult and he told me how he solves his puzzles.  He has a very detailed and complicated formula he uses.  I got lost after the first minute of his explanation.  When he finished explaining, I told him how I solve puzzles.  It's completely opposite to his method.  I work on the big picture first and then work on the more detailed methods if I get stuck, which isn't often.

Why this is an "aha" moment is because it is representative of how different our brains work.  He is very detail oriented and analytical and I'm more of a visual, big picture kind of person.  Knowing this helps me see how conflicts arise in our interactions.  Neither of us are necessarily wrong, we just think differently.

I think most difficulties in marriage can be traced to the different ways our brains work.  You might say husbands and wives complement each other (and sometimes we do) but sometimes we just don't see things the same way! 

Marriage - fantasy or reality

Seeing eye-to-eye isn't always easy!

Most people think conflicts in marriage are about money, sex, in-laws and child rearing.  Wrong.  Most conflicts in marriage are about expectations.  You have a mind picture of how things ought to be but...so does your husband.  And, you're probably reading from two different scripts.  Like most scripts, a lot of what you are picturing is based on fantasy...a perfect scenario.  But in real life, people rarely act or think in a perfect way so conflict arises.

When your husband doesn't respond how you think he should, try to remember that you are (unconsciously) expecting him to follow your script even though he doesn't even have it.  Not exactly fair, is it?  What you could do is be upfront and tell him what your expectations are.  At least then you'll have a place to start in discussing the problem.  It doesn't mean that your husband will say "Yes, dear" and automatically switch his thinking to your thinking (wishful thinking) but you might be able to reach a mutually agreeable solution.


Your husband probably isn't trying to sabotage your perfect view of how things ought to be any more than you are trying to sabotage his.  Your expectations are different.  That's all.  Share your expectations, work together and come up with something that you both can live with. Then your script can have a real happy ending  :)

Judgments

Mother Theresa said, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."  Have you ever considered what you are doing when you judge someone?  Basically, you are saying that you are in a superior position, you know more and are entitled to determine whether what someone else is doing is wrong or right.  There are very few of us who are actually in the position to judge another person accurately and fairly. 

He plays with SWORDS?  Don't worry about it  :)

When we judge someone because they are doing something different than what we are doing, that doesn't necessarily mean that what they are doing is wrong.  It's just different.  So they choose to raise their children in a particular way.  It works for THEIR family.  Maybe you wouldn't choose it for your family, and that's ok too.  Maybe they wouldn't want to raise their family the way you do.

It can be hurtful to receive judgmental comments from others.  Instead of putting someone down and criticizing their way of parenting, look for understanding.  Try to see where they're coming from before you pass judgment. 

When it comes to parenting, we need all the help and support we can get.  It doesn't hurt to think before you speak.

Stubborn kids

Aren't stubborn kids frustrating?  Why can't they do what they're told?  Well...let me give you a hint.  Even though it's our job as moms to direct our children and sometimes to even tell them what to do, they like to feel like they are in control of their world.

No one likes to be forced to do something even if it's for their own good.  You will have far more success if you manipulate the situation in such a way that they think it's THEIR own idea rather than yours.  Not fair, I know but if you end up in a power struggle with your kids, no one wins.

I think it's kinda funny how one of my children would tell me this great idea she had and in my head I'm thinking..."Uh huh, I've been telling you that all along."  Instead I just smile.