It's all in the perspective!

Thanks Hubby!

After a fitful night, I didn't want to get up and do anything today.  I was tired.  I was cranky.  Everything could wait, right?  I deserved a day off.  Then that little (annoying) voice in my head reminded me that my husband gets up early every morning, whether he slept well or not.  He goes to work and puts in a full day even if he's tired or cranky.  He makes it possible for me to be a stay-at-home mother by providing for our family's needs and being supportive of me.

That thinking made me feel pretty selfish!  So I don't want to do laundry or dishes or take care of all the little details that are part of being a mom.  That's my job, my profession.  Instead of griping I should be counting my blessings and thanking my husband.

Life is good.

Child-centric or adult-centric?

Should a family be child-centric or adult-centric?  That's not as easy a question as it might appear.  Children play a very large role in the decisions parents make and consume most of the time of the mother, especially in the early years...ok, whatever age they are!  :)  And yet, if the spouse is ignored, the marriage suffers.  Achieving a balance is as hard as walking a tightrope over a deep canyon during a windstorm!

I would like to suggest that you work on being family-centric...with the needs of the family, individually and collectively, being forefront in all plans and decisions.  Life is not a smooth, even journey from one point to another.  There are detours, highs and lows, challenges and unexpected events that shape what we do each day.

Having a tea party with his daughter  :)

Children's needs are ever-present and cannot be put off.  But, that isn't a bad thing.  Children also bring inconceivable joy and an opportunity to be a little child-like yourself!  Who doesn't like to swing on a swing, run through a puddle, throw snowballs or watch a Disney matinee from time to time?  Children don't have to be a burden or inconvenience!  In fact if they seem to be, then maybe your focus is too adult-centered and quite honestly, selfish.

Tired parents can still find time to connect as a couple and enjoy each other...without the kids.  And, those are the times NOT to focus on the children!  No griping or complaining allowed!  Try to concentrate on your relationship in those few precious hours you have together.

Being a successful family takes work.  But with work comes happy, well-adjusted children and a strong marriage.  So, when you're walking that swaying tightrope, hang on, keep your eye on the final destination....and DON'T LOOK DOWN!

Worth fighting for

I try to keep my posts upbeat and positive but today I am writing about something that makes me sad.  Two people, with whom I am very close, are considering divorce and I wish there was something I could do to stop it. 

Both are intelligent, caring people, and good parents.  They have so much going for them but are ready to give up. They won't consider counseling.  Separately they each express a desire for their marriage to work.  What I want to do is get the two of them together and ask them straight out, "What do you want?  Do you want to keep your family?"  "If you do, what are you willing to do to make it work?  What changes are YOU willing to make?" 

To keep a marriage strong and healthy, each person HAS to consider the wants and needs of their spouse.  Focusing on what they're NOT getting or what their spouse isn't doing isn't going to rebuild the relationship.  A wise person once said that divorce is spelled S-E-L-F-I-S-H-N-E-S-S.  Two people working separately might make a marriage work but two people working together are more likely to achieve an unbreakable bond that will survive whatever challenge they are faced with. 

Marriage isn't easy.  It's hard work.  And it's constant work.  But it's worth fighting for...especially when there are children involved.  Being mature and acting responsibly is a lot harder than giving in to impulsive words and actions but that's what being an adult (and a spouse and a parent) are all about.  Our time to be children and act in childish ways are past.  It's now our turn to be the adults.  It might be hard but it also provides us with our greatest joy and happiness.

I don't know what will happen with my dear friends but I know I will be supportive and pray for the best resolution for them and their children.

Communication, Sudoku style

I had one of those "aha" moments today.  My husband and I both like to play Sudoku, the number game where there's a grid of 9 squares, each square divided into 9 smaller squares, with a few numbers scattered among the boxes.  You have to find the missing numbers so that in each box are the numbers from 1-9 and in the larger grid are the numbers from 1-9 across and down, with no duplicate numbers.  I hope you already basically know about the game because my definition isn't the greatest.  :)

Are our brains different?  You bet!

Anyway, he mentioned a game he'd just finished that was difficult and he told me how he solves his puzzles.  He has a very detailed and complicated formula he uses.  I got lost after the first minute of his explanation.  When he finished explaining, I told him how I solve puzzles.  It's completely opposite to his method.  I work on the big picture first and then work on the more detailed methods if I get stuck, which isn't often.

Why this is an "aha" moment is because it is representative of how different our brains work.  He is very detail oriented and analytical and I'm more of a visual, big picture kind of person.  Knowing this helps me see how conflicts arise in our interactions.  Neither of us are necessarily wrong, we just think differently.

I think most difficulties in marriage can be traced to the different ways our brains work.  You might say husbands and wives complement each other (and sometimes we do) but sometimes we just don't see things the same way! 

Marriage - fantasy or reality

Seeing eye-to-eye isn't always easy!

Most people think conflicts in marriage are about money, sex, in-laws and child rearing.  Wrong.  Most conflicts in marriage are about expectations.  You have a mind picture of how things ought to be but...so does your husband.  And, you're probably reading from two different scripts.  Like most scripts, a lot of what you are picturing is based on fantasy...a perfect scenario.  But in real life, people rarely act or think in a perfect way so conflict arises.

When your husband doesn't respond how you think he should, try to remember that you are (unconsciously) expecting him to follow your script even though he doesn't even have it.  Not exactly fair, is it?  What you could do is be upfront and tell him what your expectations are.  At least then you'll have a place to start in discussing the problem.  It doesn't mean that your husband will say "Yes, dear" and automatically switch his thinking to your thinking (wishful thinking) but you might be able to reach a mutually agreeable solution.


Your husband probably isn't trying to sabotage your perfect view of how things ought to be any more than you are trying to sabotage his.  Your expectations are different.  That's all.  Share your expectations, work together and come up with something that you both can live with. Then your script can have a real happy ending  :)

Bedtime!

Just as naptime is vital for your sanity, an early bedtime for your kids is in the best interests of your marriage.  We had a bedtime of 7 pm for preschoolers and younger, 8 pm for elementary age children and 9 pm for older school kids.  As with naptime, demanding that the kids go right to sleep isn't the goal here...it's giving Mom and Dad time to spend time together.  Our kids often spent an hour or so reading quietly in their beds before falling asleep, although there are other things kids can quietly do (that doesn't get them into trouble!).  They don't need to be constantly entertained by Mommy and Daddy.  I know there are work schedules where this wouldn't work, but it worked in our situation.  We had time to have dinner together as a family, read scriptures together, and still have an hour or more to play with them, or help with homework, or watch a movie, and get them settled for the night.  Then the rest of the night was ours.

United we stand, divided we fall

Even though you might have strong opinions which differ from your husband, when it comes to raising children, it's best to present a united front.  Of course, you each have different upbringings and experiences but now that you are parents, it's time to come up with a game plan that you both agree upon.  Save the "heated disagreements" for private.  Let your children see that you support each other and stand by what is said.  How can kids learn how to behave when their parents don't even know what they want for them?  You might have to revise the game plan occasionally as circumstances and needs change, but do it together, and in private.  It can be helpful to have a weekly discussion to address what is working and what isn't.